Asking for What You Need vs. Expecting Others to Guess
Learning to ask for what you need is a crucial skill for healthy relationships, self-esteem, and fulfillment.
Asking for what you need isn’t easy. For many of us—especially women or people raised in strict or controlling households—it can feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. If you grew up in an environment where your needs weren’t encouraged, acknowledged, or welcomed, you may have learned to stay quiet instead. Fast forward into adulthood, and that pattern can quietly follow you into friendships and romantic relationships.
When you don’t know how to ask for what you need, it’s easy to fall into expecting others to just know. You may hope your partner or close friends can read between the lines or anticipate your needs without you having to say anything. The problem is, when they don’t meet those unspoken expectations, disappointment and frustration set in. Over time, this can turn into resentment or the belief that the other person simply doesn’t care.
For example, if I were having a bad day and I wished my husband would give me a hug, but I didn’t ask for it, I might get more upset because I think he doesn’t care, and I might ask myself, "Why can’t he see that I am upset?"
One of the most damaging ideas many of us have absorbed comes from Hollywood and romance novels. These stories often suggest that true love means never having to ask—that the “right” partner will magically know what you want, when you want it. While romantic, this belief places an unrealistic and heavy burden on our relationships. Mind-reading is not a relationship skill.
Think about friendships for a moment. How would a friend know what you need or desire if you never share what you’re feeling or thinking? The same logic applies to romantic partnerships. Communication, not assumption, is what builds closeness and trust.
If asking for what you need feels hard, start small. Practice in low-stakes moments. For example, if your partner or a friend is going to the supermarket, ask them to pick up something specific you like—something they wouldn’t automatically know. It could be as simple as your favourite snack. These small requests help retrain your nervous system and show you that asking doesn’t automatically lead to rejection or conflict.
When I was learning to ask for what I needed, I would ask my husband to bring me a double chocolate chip muffin from our favourite supermarket. I know they sell it there, so the chances of success are high that my husband would be able to get the muffin.
When you are practicing asking for your needs to be met, start small and help the other person to succeed.
It’s also important to remember that asking for what you need doesn’t guarantee the other person can meet that need—and that’s okay. Healing isn’t about getting a “yes” every time. It’s about learning to honour your needs, voice them, and trust that your worth isn’t dependent on someone else’s response.
So if you struggle with asking for what you need, consider this an invitation to practice. Don’t expect your partner or friends to read your mind—it’s not fair, and it sets everyone up to fail. When needs go unspoken, they often go unmet, leaving you stuck in a cycle of disappointment. Speaking up, even imperfectly, is a powerful step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
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