Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship in Asian Families
Mama 妈妈
The mother-daughter relationship in Asian families can be complicated as it often comes with so many expectations and unspoken assumptions.
While healing the mother-daughter relationship in Asian families can be profoundly healing and transformative, it is not easy.
A significant part of my work involves collaborating with Asian clients who require assistance in understanding their family dynamics, particularly female clients seeking to improve their relationships with their mothers. Still, the intersection of culture, tradition, and generational trauma makes it more challenging. Adding evolving identities makes it even more complex.
How do you start the healing process?
The most important aspect is to shift your expectations. It is vital to remember that while you work on improving your relationship with your mother, she may not share the same desire to do so.
You do the healing work for yourself.
Many of my clients, when they first started working with me, wanted to improve their relationships with their parents. However, they are met with resistance from their parents, who do not believe that the relationship needs to be repaired.
That can be frustrating and may evoke feelings of grief and anger.
Why is the mother-daughter relationship in Asian families complicated?
Cultural Expectations
In many Chinese and Asian families, love is often expressed through food, sacrifice, and achievement. If you were brought up in a Western individualistic society, you might expect your mother to say “I love you,” or give hugs, or say that they are proud of you.
Intergenerational Trauma
When there is unhealed trauma, mothers might act in a hypercritical or overprotective way.
Filial Piety & Guilt
I remember my parents drilling into me that one of the most critical aspects of our (Chinese) culture is respect and duty towards our parents and elders.
Hence, when the daughters feel like they disagree with their mothers, they suppress their emotions.
How Does Healing Look Like
Talk to Your Mother…
If she is open to it.
Share how you are feeling, vs what she “did” to you.
Empathy
Can you bring in compassion for your mother? What happened in her childhood that might have caused her to behave in ways that have hurt you?
Inner Child Work
Work with a culturally sensitive therapist to begin your healing journey. Nurture your inner child.
What do the younger parts of you need to heal? Somatic work is highly beneficial in releasing stored emotional pain.
Set Healthy Boundaries
I wrote all about this here.
Please be gentle with yourself as you begin to heal the relationship with your mother.
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Helpful Resources
Books:
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk (trauma)
“The Language of Emotions” by Karla McLaren
“Permission to Come Home” by Dr. Jenny Wang (Asian mental health)
📞 If you need help navigating your family’s expectations, contact me today. Book a free 15-minute consultation.