"Good Daughter" Syndrome: Understanding the Pressure to Please in the Chinese Culture
For daughters who grew up in a Chinese family, many were often taught that our role is to serve the male members in our family, that our needs don’t matter, and our purpose is to do what our fathers, grandfathers, and brothers tell us. Sounds familiar?
In my work as a therapist with many Asian and Chinese women, the struggle to take care of themselves vs the pressure to please can be hard to understand for others who are from a different culture.
Although there are exceptions to this, especially in many modern Chinese families, the legacy of Confucian values and family obligation still often plays a role.
Why is There A Need to Please?
The sense of duty many Chinese and Asian daughters feel to please their parents stems from a combination of cultural, historical, and familial factors rooted in Confucian values, family structure, and societal expectations.
Confucian Values: Filial Piety (孝, xiào)
Filial piety is a core teaching of Confucianism. It states that children must obey, respect and care for their parents. Daughters, especially, uphold the family’s honour and do everything to please their parents.
Gender Roles
The Chinese society is rooted in patriarchal beliefs where daughters were (are) expected to be obedient and self-sacrificing.
Many of us daughters were brought up to believe that our needs do not matter.
For example, my sister and I would ask for things, and the answer was usually no. However, if my brother asked my parents for something, no matter the cost, it was usually a yes.
Collectivist Culture
In the Chinese culture, family is the most crucial aspect of one’s upbringing. Many Chinese daughters were brought up to accept that decisions regarding one’s life, like education, marriage and career, are often made with the family’s input, and there is an expectation that one’s happiness is rooted in getting their parents’ approval.
Guilt – Sacrifices Made by Parents
I remember my mother used guilt and shame on me all my life. Her favourite line was “I stopped having children so you could go to an elite school.” I think she was hoping that would make me work harder at school, but it backfired as I was a stubborn child.
Many Chinese daughters have a desire to repay the sacrifices their parents made by being a “good daughter,” which often looks like pleasing their parents and putting their own needs last.
Social Pressure and Face (面子, miànzi)
This concept is one of the most valued in Chinese culture. It means that no matter what happens, a daughter’s behaviour, speech and achievements must enhance the family’s social standing, and one must do everything to avoid bringing shame to the family’s name.
How to Stop People Pleasing
Well, this is where it gets tricky.
Many of my clients know that being a good daughter is taking a toll on their mental and physical health. Still, they feel tremendous guilt when they think about listening to their hearts rather than leaning into societal and family pressure.
So, how can one balance the guilt and need to please, with listening to your heart?
First, know that when you feel like the pressure of being a good daughter is too much and you want to stop the behaviour, it does not make you a bad daughter.
Yes, it can feel like you are turning your back on your family, your values and even your identity, but stepping out of that role can take time, so you don’t fall into guilt and shame.
Set Healthy Boundaries
There is a significant difference when setting boundaries in Asian culture vs. Western culture. I wrote a whole blog on this, read it here.
Redefine What Being a Good Daughter Means
Are your ideas and expectations still valid? Have you asked your parents what they think?
For example, if one of your beliefs is that if you marry a non-Chinese person, your parents would be upset, check with your parents..
Often, that belief no longer holds; most parents want their daughters to find a good and trustworthy partner. So ask for clarification.
Ask Your Siblings and Family for Help
If you have siblings or close cousins, aunties or uncles you trust, can you ask them for help to navigate your family’s needs?
For example, if you live far away from your parents and they need help, can you ask your extended family for help?
Release the Guilt
Oof, I can hear some of you saying, “But how?!”
Practice.
Remind yourself that you are not betraying your family by being true to yourself. You are learning to listen to your needs.
Some affirmations:
I can love my parents and still disagree with them.
My needs matter, and I can take care of them.
It can be hard to learn to say No to our family. Go slow, be gentle with yourself and ask for help.
📞 If you need help navigating your family’s expectations, contact me today. Book a free 15-minute consultation.